One of the most difficult aspects of blogging is how much to do convey about yourself (well ok myself), personally. This is a topic I haven't spoken up since I set the blog up after Sharon's passing in 2006. There has been a lot of speculation and talk about my dating so I figured it was time to just communicate what's been on my mind and what I've been doing. As I approach2008 I'm looking forward to new opportunities on all fronts.
Truth is, I have been dating for a few months. I've been quiet about it for reasons I'll largely still keep private because it is private. The process has had it's ups and downs emotionally. And there has been some real deep hurt along the way. I learned again you can't love unless you trust fully, but trusting fulling means the risk of hurt is there too. I wouldn't change anything but I do hope to learn along the way how to find once again in life someone that is right for me at this point in my life.
There are some obvious reasons I've held back blogging on dating, as you can imagine. For me it seemed like I lived in a fish bowel in my marriage with Sharon because she was so visible around the world with her work in transforming people's lives - a fact that I remain so proud of to this day because I still get notes from people around the world about Sharon and their connection to her.
But I admit that I lost, to some degree, a lot of my privacy by the fact that I wrote a blog (sometimes hourly) while Sharon was in the hospital for those two weeks in a coma. What better way to inform the global community of Sharon's status than to blog? And I kept blogging about the family for months and months afterward. So when I started dating I was still in this fishbowl (partly of my own creating) and at times that made it difficult for me and the person I was dating to enjoy any privacy. I wish I could change that, but it's in the past now and that's just how it was.
I reae now I didn't consider how blogging was going to impact my thinking and my actions when it came to dating. It was something that impacted not only me but whomever I took out, especially if the woman was even remotely close to the family or the community of people Sharon worked with for the last 20 years.
The other more delicate issue was one of personal timing. Everyone has their own clock as to when it's the 'right' time to start dating after you become a widow or widower. I've heard of some people still anguishing over their loss internally (and leaking that out externally in their life) for many years. People can be so unwilling to change the house or their lives and when they finally begin a new relationship they putting a wall up to protect themselves from being hurt again and not reaing he has become emotionally unavailable. It's understandable on the one hand yet at some point when do you move on in your life and open back up to giving and receiving love? It's odd how we often we hold onto the belief that pure logic of right and wrong will prevail over the heart which in fact you want both in your life.
Ok so, there have been no end of comments on the issue of grief and how long to grieve, but the perspective I've got to live with is mine. And for me, I was ready to start the process this year (roughly mid-way) in a kind of organic manner to see how it felt. And I did so privately for nearly half of 2007. It's been a roller coaster of excitement at times, and as I said some real hurt along the way of relearning how to love another woman at this stage of my life.
It's a learning experience to start dating again at 53 after 19 years of being happily married, largely because I'm in a different place in my life. I'm not interested in having babies, though I am looking forward to being a granddad. I'm not starting my career either. I'm no longer sorting out why I'm mad at my mom and dad for the way they raised me, and so forth ... I'm not worried about my manhood or still wondering about my previous relationships or still embroiled in old family feuds. I'm ready to step in and more fully enjoy my life with a partner again, when the right one comes along.
In previous conversations with Jenny Meadows, wonderful friend, mentor and my beloved copy editor, she and I shared the fact that neither of us is ready to throw in the towel and settle. I admire that about her as I can see how she models remaining spunky and sexy-looking as ever - almost 8 years my senior. I admire how she has remains committed to her own personal work to maintain a level of aliveness that keeps her young and accepting of life. You go, Jenny!
I'm interested in a relationship that is full of love along with a zest for life. I enjoy exercising to stay fit, and remaining engaged in a creative profession even if I don't have to work. Both keep me young and I wake up excited about life. I love listening to music and turning it up really loud on occasion, just for the rush of it. I'm exploring how to cook and reading more books and meeting new people. Most of all, I have my passion for making love with ever-new excitement and joy, with the right partner, and moving forward with new insights and feelings about being happy to be alive. I find this a motivation for my creativity, and when I'm feeling creative I feel an aliveness all through my body.
So despite the setbacks and learnings of the year with regard to dating, I'm full of gratitude for all that has occurred and the kind of love I experienced this year. I have many fond memories of our times together.
I've decided I'm not going to search for a relationship that feels like I'm 'settling' and put on the brakes when it comes to growing more as a human. I see a lot of this with people hitting their 50s and above. It just becomes easier to stop and do what's easy. I know deep inside me what that amazing 'spark' is like when the chemistry is there, and that's what I'm going for again. For me this means someone local and someone available to be committed to the process of learning about each other's lives. And when we're 70 we'll still feel like we're in our early 50s. That's a vision I can be on board with.
I want someone in my life who is as excited about being with me as I am them and willing to make and keep the commitment to grow the relationship, even during the difficult times of looking inside each other to make changes for that love to evolve. Because on the other side of that is something very beautiful and lovely to behold. Isn't that what we all want - to fully give and receive love? Are you interested in that too? Let me know.
There, I said it.
And as Carl Jung says - "Bidden or not Bidden, God is Present."
Let that be the witness of how we bring ourselves to the events of our lives.
Onward for 2008. Look for more changes on this blog in the following weeks.
Tom
THANK YOU Mari for your comments. Truly is a relief to both come forward with this aspect of my life in as respectful a way as I can and then to be acknowledged. I appreciate you.
Tom
Posted by: Tom Parish | Sunday, 16 December 2007 at 09:09 AM
Tom,
What a breath of fresh air you have created by being open about what you are up to with dating and all that it entails. I am so happy that you have come out and let the community know, because loving and being loved is so important to all of us. I know you have lived in a fishbowl and we have been outside looking in and been in awe of you as you have moved through life without Sharon. We all know she would not have wanted you to be alone...none of us wants that for you, I would venture to say. Enjoy the ride, my friend. It is an up-and-down journey but has thrilling new heights and you are coming with so much more added to the mix. The women you date and the woman you find to grow older with will be blessed many times over.
You go, guy...go!
Posted by: Mari Hall | Sunday, 16 December 2007 at 08:21 AM