Finding My Way for the New Year

Where to start after a year of blogging about missing Sharon and how we're all doing here at the Parishes?  As the sun was setting tonight, I was in the backyard, cleaning up the pool. I had the yard mowed yesterday and there was grass in the water.  I was thinking how much Sharon would have loved seeing the yard cut so neatly, with every tree and every fenceline of the two acres weed-wacked just so. I still catch myself thinking, if only for an instant, that I'll see Sharon working on the vegetable garden or her flower bed. She loved taking care of the yard, and though I wasn't all that keen on it, I liked being there with Sharon.

I think that being outside was an important grounding experience for Sharon. There were times when she was very ill with a flu and she would take some blankets and sleep outside. She'd come in the next morning completely well. It was the most astonishing thing I have ever seen in a person.  It happened more than once with her. She was so healthy and took such good care of herself. And of course this made her collapse a year ago today all the more mysterious.

I'm thinking back a year. By that evening I was in the hospital with Sharon and the family - stunned. Word had spread rapidly via phone and the Internet of what happened earlier in the afternoon at Gold's Gym.  By the evening I could sense a kind of tunnel forming around me that was dark with very little light at the end. I would breathe and relax my shoulders, but that feeling of a tunnel wouldn't go away.  I was scared and worried and so confused as to what happened and what needed to happen next to bring Sharon back.  The next two weeks were like a long blur of time, and with each passing day the reality was settling in that Sharon might not come back to us. All I could think of was 'WHY? Why Sharon?'  My constant worry was how in the world was I going to explain to Lily. It was crushing me internally to face into the reality of what had to happen toward the end of the month.

This reality has settled in in small ways for me with each new month.  Each holiday and each special occasion that we would have shared together would remind me of my love for her. Sometimes just walking down the hall with all her pictures and into the kitchen where she was so creative would bring a wave of sadness over my entire body.

You know, still to this day when the phone rings unexpectedly, I find myself wishing, if for only a moment, it would be Sharon calling, saying she's on her way home and so anxious to hear our voices and see us again. I have had vivid dreams of this too.  I would imagine this huge hug and incredibly long kiss and not letting go of her for fear of losing her again. If only you knew how much I wanted Sharon back.

There have been many days and evenings over the last year that I've just cried, asking her to give me advice as to what to do next. Luckily, I've had a remarkably powerful circle of love and support in my life. I might have felt like I was falling, but there has always been someone(s) there to catch me - without fail.

The last two nights when I was falling asleep, I decided to lie more in the center of the bed. For the longest time I hadn't been able to bring myself to even pull the covers back on her side. It just didn't feel right. As I inched my way over and took a deep breath to settle the weight of my body into the mattress, I reached over and touched where Sharon would be and I imagined holding her hand. I extended my arm to touch her head first, then her nose, then down her arm to hold hands. After a while, I just held her pinky finger with mine. That was our evening ritual.  I felt as though she was there with me these last two evenings.  I just let those sweet feelings of Sharon-and-Tom love and connection be in mind, and I felt the warmth of her body and the way her fingers would touch mine. I know when it's there because I can smell something unique, and the remaining light in the room (which is basically dark) is different. That may sound odd, but for those who know - you know what I mean. It's a subtle energetic sense you develop when you love someone so deeply. Then after a while I would feel a slight twitch in Sharon's body and I knew she had fallen asleep. It happens with Tinkerbell too - a very sweet feeling of trust being so close to someone in deep sleep.

And so now what? What does Tom do this next year? Where do I put my creativity and love and focus? And what about planning for the time when Lily leaves the nest? That is only three years away. Sharon and I would talk practically each evening about what we might do once it was just us. For now I cherish getting up each morning to make Lily's breakfast, reading the paper and saying hello to the new day with the hope of finding joy and happiness with the people I interact with. I do love helping people gain success with their passion by using the Internet. I want to keeping do that and find more ways to be creative with video podcasting, now that I've immersed myself so deeply. There are so many truly wonderful people with ideas that create change, and I want to interview them and make them more visible to others. I see myself partnering with people who want to do that with me. You'll see more of this soon.

I am interested in moving forward with my life professionally and personally. Connecting deeply with new friends. And I am dedicating myself to whatever Lauren, Justin and Lily need from me as they each move into new phases of their lives. For Lauren and Justin, I'm no longer a parent; I'm more of a partner. What's that really going to look like? I'm sure I'll find out soon enough. I'm already learning some of that as Lauren and Justin prepare for their marriages this year. God, I'm proud of them, and they constantly remind me that they love me. How lucky am I!

I want you to know that this blog will change in the coming year. I will be posting less about Sharon and more of my life as it is now. I'm not sure how long I'll keep this blog going. We'll see. The number of people that still read it is in the hundreds. I have never been alone, not once. Every few days I receive blog comments, emails and calls from people who reads this blog and just want to check in, say hi, and extend their love and connection to the family. I am grateful for each of those little moments. Often on a Monday, that little comment you left on the blog or email you sent puts a spark in my step and reminds me of my purpose here: To give and receive love.

So Sharon, with all my love you remain in my heart, as you are in the hearts of so many people around the world. You live on. Your legacy was the way you lived your life.  Each of us learned from you. You have been a reminder to every one of us of the importance of living our life as though today is our final day.  You are a constant reminder for me to remember to love and to be loved.

Until we meet again,
Love
Tom

Comments

[Jan Matney]

Dear Tom,
Last year when Sharon was in the hospital, I went to Houston and trained the More To Life Weekend in Sharon's stead. I was living in Austin so, in what seemed a brief span of time, I went from the hospital with Sharon to the training in Houston. I couldn't have done it without the support of Richard Perry in expressing my own resistance to train and the angst I felt about Sharon.

I remember vividly the team's love for her, the roses and notes they sent, and all of our hopes that weekend that she would recover.

A year has passed, and I just completed another MTL in Houston. At the end of the experience, the team sat around the circle and talked about Sharon. There were tears, stories and love shared for this woman who showed us all about lightness and friendship. She touched our lives uniquely and always.

She is loved, missed and honored as trainer and friend, and my heart is heavy and grateful with the loss of and the experience of Sharon Rose Parish.

We are with you, dearest Parish family.
Love,
Jan

[Tom]

Thank you Cousin LouAnn. What a sweet sweet note. I hope we get a chance to meet again sometime and get caught up on life and family. I'd like that.

Love
Tommy

[LouAnn Fischer]

Tom,

This is your cousin LouAnn. I do not even remember the last time we saw each other. It was when Lauren was little, I guess. Anyway, I have been reading this blog almost daily for the last year. I feel like I know you and your kids and even Sharon. Your love for Sharon and the love that she had for you has touched my heart in so many ways. I always felt like I was intruding on you and your family by reading this blog but I guess actually I was trying to get to know family that I have not seen in ages. My prayers have been with you and your family daily for a year. My children have also kept you and your family in their prayers. I can never imagine what this past year has been like for you, but your words have touched me and in a sense changed who I am as a person inside. For that I am thankful.

Much love,
LouAnn

[Stacy Ehrlich]

Thank you, Tom. As early May has turned into mid-May, I have wanted to come see what was happening on the blog. There is something about coming 'round to a full year that makes me want to reconnect and live into the reality of a year ago. Your recent postings have helped. (So has some sleep - Wheeler is now 14 months old and has been sleeping through the night since January).

Simms loves Sharon's mom on the kindergarten playground - a new Tuesday ritual that warms my heart.

James made the decision to have Simms go to St. Andrews next year. I can't help but wonder if Sharon would have found a way to help me convince him otherwise. She and Kirsten would have been a definite force to be reckoned with.

I hope our family will continue to stay in touch with our Waldorf friends, including the Parish clan.

Blessings to finding your way on your new journey without her here and yet always present.

Stacy