The Parish Family Blog

This Week in Review

Lily and I are sitting in the living room of Lauren and Ryan's. It's late afternoon on Friday. Lauren and Lily are huddled around a pile of wedding magazines along with a laptop on a mission to find the perfect wedding dress.  Tomorrow the two of them are head up to Houston along with Lauren's other bridesmaids to continue the search at real stores. Ryan's mom and dad are to arrive soon with a new couch for them.

So what about this week? For starters I got a speeding ticket on Monday. It was in the afternoon and I was headed out across town to the Social Security office to handle Lily's survivor benefits.  After some reflection on the ticket and an emotional process session with Jan Matney, I could see I was pushing life to get a lot done. A lot of demand to handle everything that needed to get handled. You know how that goes ... the result being the more I pushed the more things kept popping up like weeds that needed attention. Well, I made the appointment on time and all is well for Lily on the benefits.

Speaking of money, we've received many generous and thoughtful contributions to the Sharon Parish Memorial Fund. They continue to arrive. We are so thankful for this and it's already helped pay for next year's Waldorf education for Lily (9th grade).

Speaking of bills - we've received many questions about the hospital bills. I've attemped to hold off answering this on the blog because there are just so many variables.  I have a stack that is 3/4 inch in height of blue and white statments from the hospital, doctors, emergency services and of the insurance company. The hospital bill is $114,000. The doctor's bills are rolling in daily which I can only guess what the total will be (20k-30k?).

The tricky part is trying to understand what's actually owed.  The insurance statements are as clear as mud, compounded by the quantity of them. Justin and I went to the hospital to ask what the insurance company has paid. Nothing so far; it's too early apparently. I called the insurance company but they told me I cannot speak with them about the account because I'm not Sharon (privacy laws). I tried to explain that speaking with Sharon isn't a possibility because she passed away.  So another set of weeds popped up with a series of hoops to jump through to get that sorted out.  Sent a copy of the death certificate and I'm sorting out the power of attorney. I can only imagine the patience I'll need to muster with the insurance company.

Bottom line this week - I really have been driving too fast this week on all levels trying to get a lot done which really was cross-wise with what life was telling me (to slow down).  So I'm going to let this all go for a couple of weeks. Enjoy Galveston then make our trip to Way of a Warrior next week. I think tomorrow morning I'll take in the sunrise over the water here in Galveston, maybe see if Sharon is listening.

Take care,
Tom

Watching the Sharon Chimes

I thought you might want to see these lovely chimes. I speak with them daily.

Sharon's Personal Shrine of Crosses

In our kitchen, at the end of the counter where you enter the hallway, Sharon crafted a personal shrine of crosses. She added to it incrementally over the 6 or so years in this home on South View Road.  I remember some vacations where we went from shop to shop and counter to counter looking for just the right cross to add to the mix.  It always amazed me that she could hold in her head the colors, types and arrangement of the crosses already on the wall and then make a decision about what new one should be added.

Tonight, on a lark, I grabbed this picture. I've been looking at it a lot lately and thought I'd share the shrine with others on the blog.

Limited Edition T-shirts in Memory of Sharon

In the beginning when Mom first went into the hospital I was searching for a way to contribute to her.  We had a running joke that when she got older she was going to make me take care of her and she was going to milk it 'cause she had done so much for me.  So I saw this as my opportunity to start paying back the favors.  During that time I figured out the best way for me to contribute was to use my design skills and develop something that could serve two purposes.  One, to raise money for the
Sharon Parish Memorial Fund.  Two,
to give people a token, something that they can always have to remember Mom and who she was.

The outcome was three t-shirts designed specifically in memory of Mom.  Each one captures a piece of who she was.  There are two styles of shirts, a regualar organic cotton t-shirt and a cotton baby doll (for women).  Both shirts are manufactured in the US, sweatshop-free, by American Apparel.  We are offering a total of only 500 shirts, in any combination, to begin with, and depending on demand will consider offering more or possibly even a new design.  All of the proceeds from the shirts will go to the Sharon Parish Memorial Fund.

Here is the link to the online shop where you can find descriptions of all the shirts, pics, and sizing information.  http://www.cafepress.com/sharonparish

Thank you for your continued support,
Justin

Audio download of Memorial Service Fixed

Thanks, Fred, for pointing out the problems with the audio download of Sharon's Memorial Services. I've fixed that below and I'm adding this blog entry with the link to let folks know who want to put a copy in their Ipod or desktop or burn a CD, whatever works for you.

The fix size is around 24MB.

http://www.soundsinmind.com/sharonparish/sharon-parish-memorial-audio.mp3

Tom
Note: I'm working on getting more of the Memorial Video up from the difrerent people that spoke.

Sharon Talks with Paul at Easter 2006

We were at Grandma Gerry's waiting for Easter brunch. Sharon was talking with Paul about her quest to learn how to spin fire and then the conversation went to bowling.

Love
Tom

Sharon at Easter - Dividing up the Family for the Egg Toss

Easter Sunday for the last few years has been at Grandma Gerry's. We get dozens of those eggs filled with confetti then divide up into teams and head out to the back yard and ... you guessed it ... start tossing them at each other. It's a blast.

Just good fun and Sharon is doing what she does so well, coordinating the event :)

love
Tom

Video Collage of Sharon at Leadership 2001 for More to Life

This is a beautiful gift from Fernando Escamilla who did the video of the More to Life Leadership Conference in 2001. He edited down the entire conference into this 15-minute collage. It's all about Sharon. You get to see her dancing around like an angel in her flowing dress. You get to hear the lovely way she spoke with people. I am so so thankful, Fernando.
Appreciatively Tom

Starting to Let Go ...

Dearest Sharon - here is a page from the little green book I'm reading from Don Melcer. I've had it open to this page for a couple of days and I keep reading it.  I think this little poem is more for a couple that has broken up their relationship on a more physical level. But somehow it speaks to me in our situation. We may not know why, we just know we are separated despite our wishes for it to be different. I know I've been hanging on ...

Remember our garden? It's doing very well this year even without our daily TLC for it.  We've had more rain this year, finally.

I love you, Sharon. I'm starting to let go now, it isn't easy and it will take more time and, I'm starting now.

The garden loves the rain
and, yes, this is love

But the love I want for you
-- the love I want to give you--
is the love
the rain
gives
the garden.

Loving is giving Freedom.

Tom

Entire Audio of Sharon's Memorial

This is the entire 2-hour ceremony. Hope you enjoy it. Eventually I'll get the videos up but in the meantime you may want to just listen. There are some very good shares from Sue Oldham and Peggy Jarrett and others, like Lauren Parish, my daughter.

If you want to download it directly and listen on your MP3 player, click this link.

http://www.soundsinmind.com/sharonparish/sharon-parish-memorial-audio.mp3

Love
Tom

A Conversation with Sharon

Monday morning, very early, I finally had a conversation with Sharon. I was asleep, I think. It was a very unique experience that I only ever recall feeling when the two of us attended one of the More to Life advanced courses (The Sixth Sense) a few years ago.

I'm not sure exactly what it all means or how to really express what I felt. To me it's a kind of higher vibration that is soft and permeable. If you meditate then you may know what I mean. You'll find yourself in that place on occasion and you'll find other connections with yourself and others that emerge in a very delicate manner. So in this 'space' I asked Sharon many questions and I listened. It was like she was there with me just 'being' with me for a while without words, just thoughts.

Mostly she said to me she wasn't sure what happened to her or why and that it remains a mystery. She is not angry or upset. At times sad, though. It's not important now. She told me repeatedly to not worry so much.  She emphasized that I had more work to do and that's why I'm still here. It's important I move on and find where my contributions need to be and focus on that, not her. She said Lily is fine, stop worrying so much about her and what she thinks about what happened. I said OK. Sharon said to look after Tinker and Wendy. She seemed self-assured and confident in her composure, and very reaffirming to me that all will be OK.

Thank you, Jan Matney, for our support call this week and helping me see more how I can start looking for a balance between experiencing the pain of grief and finding a new place to grow.

Thank you, Ann McMaster, for that little email you sent that said, "Good, sounds like you're making room for Sharon now."  I wasn't so sure I got that. Then it hit me.  As I invite Sharon back to me in new ways and open to her differently, I'll start moving from the hurt and grief. I could see how easy it is to center myself around the grief. The loss. The pain.  And, all that will be around for some time to come, regardless. Yet, the notion of 'also' making room for Sharon to be with me in new ways feels right.

When I awoke on Monday morning, I felt so much lighter and happier. I felt like I turned at least a small corner into a new direction.

We shall see ...

Tom

The Little Green Book

On June 16th a little green book magically showed up carefully placed next to our front door.  The title is "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Melba Colgrove. It's a smallish paperbook that looks old but not worn. Yet it feels soft in my hands and easy to open.

It's a gem. Each place you open the book it gently offers specific advice on the left page and a related saying or poem on the right page. It covers the evolution a person moves through when he suffers a major loss and in particular it mentions sudden loss of one's wife in certain places.

Here is one I'm enjoying (on the right-hand side of page 65:
Chapter 23 - Reaffirming Your Beliefs

Missing your Love
with God so
close at hand.

It seems somehow
a sacriledge ...

But I think
God understands.

Each day I pick up this little book, espcially in the morning and then again in the evenings before bedtime to read a few pages. Often I reread portions to let it soak in differently.

This is another gift from Don Melcer. I found a note inside. Don is the wise and generous soul who offered to give us his coffin that he was building for himself, for Sharon.  We used it and you've probably seen the pictures below.

Don, I deeply appreciate this little green book. I want you to know I see the light and life in you for all the loving gifts you've offered us. I am inspired and uplifted. Oh and thank you also for the scrumptuous meal last week for my family when we came over to dinner with you and your wife.

Love just keeps on giving. My, how I learn each day what it means to receive love.

Tom

This Week at the Parishes

I'm back. Today more than 500 people visited this site. I am amazed. The feedback I'm hearing is people are still checking back often a few days later to catch up.  There are fewer comments; however, the traffic seems just as strong as before.

This week I have felt more up - in general. Though parts of today I started feeling some yearnings for Sharon, in particular for our companionship. I'm missing that a lot.

Early this morning we had a very thick rain that seemed to just pour straight down. It was still dark. I got up to check on the garage door to make sure it wasn't leaking. When that happens my studio floor gets wet. Sharon's chimes hang just at the rim of the deck cover near the garage. I could hear the rain running through those large black chimes co-creating a very unusual throaty resonance. The chimes were not really hitting anything, they were just lit-up with a new vibration from buckets of water running through them from top to bottom. Wish I had recorded that.

Lily and I are going to Galveston to visit Lauren soon. The two of them are going to look at wedding dresses and bridesmaids' dresses together. How delightful. So now we have our first road trip together. We're going to get the DaVinci Code book on tape (well, mp3) and also take a "HOW TO' book to learn more about Apple OSX together. We both want to learn how to use our laptops better. The grandparents got her a laptop for graduation. We've got a housesitter lined up to stay with Windy and Tinkerbell, and I'll power up the security camera so all will be safe and sound.

Then, the following week we're off to WOW. Yep, myself, Lily and Justin will be at WOW 1. Justin will be there the entire time. Lily and I are arriving late Wednesday and returning on Sunday.  I'll write more about this soon. I have a sense of why I want to go and what it will mean to us and others attending. Again, more on this later. One thing we've done in Sharon's name is help two (possibly three, if he goes) people get to WOW1 this year. What an wonderful experience of self-discovery they are about to embark on.  The Way of a Warrior 1 (WOW1) training typically has 80 or so people from around the world together for 6 days.

Special thanks to Sue Sneed for picking us up at the airport on Wednesday in Atlanta and taking us the 2.5 hour drive to the WOW event. What a gift.

Tom

Sunday Night - as it is ...

This evening I was exchanging emails with Dreena. We were just touching base around some WOW logistics (drums, travel to the airport and so forth) and then we moved to talking about life at home. She mentioned (I'm paraphrasing) something about getting back to cooking a real meal but somehow her heart wasn't really into it.

You know ... i think I know what she means when she says her heart isn't really in it. I've had a lot of those moments around the house. Feels like just going through the motions without the emotions.

Other times I'm feeling fairly 'into' what i'm doing during the day and it's comforting be in that place again.  Then, I'll get up, move around to meet with folks dropping by. If I'm interacting with someone I haven't talked with in a long while, or start touching something around the house I haven't used in a long while (that reminds me of Sharon), I will often find myself choking back some tears - or often just letting them go because it's just easier to let that wave come up and pass as tears.  Sometimes I'm completely surprised what will trigger all that.

Generally, these little episodes don't last long. Sometimes I find myself wanting to linger with what's coming up, dwell on it and then my mind talk comes in saying, 'You should not be wasting your time indulging in self-pity like that." Then ... I feel confused and some anger comes up. Anyway ... that's me right now.  So ... I'm not looking for help here, just letting you know how it's going. I know to move with this process of grief and let it take me along. I do not know how it's supposed to be and that's fine with me (now more so than last week, at least).

So about WOW, Justin is going to be on WOW 1 team. I've spoken with Lily and she's expressed a lot of interest in being at WOW this year for at least a few days.  I was rather surprised at the degree of interest she expressed around going.

Admittedly, I sense a pull inside me to to go to WOW 1 and be in that space. I've had a number of long conversations with Robbie and Richard and Carolyn to help me sort out my intentions. I wanted to know that we could be there in some way to find some kind of touchstone or resolution (though that's not quite the word I'm looking for) since Sharon will not be there.  Lily and I do not want to interupt the flow of the amazing tranformation that takes place at WOW and I was worried we'd be more of a distraction.  So, we're talking about how this might all come about. I'll keep you posted.

Nite nite to all.
Good night, Sharon - safe travels.
Tom and Lily

Happy Father's Day

To all - have a wonderful relaxing day.

Lily and I went out with Gerry and some good friends (Jill and Philip) for brunch. Yummy.  Lily made me a Father's Day card that is just amazing. A keeper for sure.

Just back. Relaxing and reading. I'm going to finish up a podcast I did on Friday with Philip Nicholoson on Why Teens are so into Social Computing and Social Networking and get it posted at TalkingPortraits.com.  I'm adding to my 'to do' list this week to get ahold of the manufacturer of my 'Sharon Chimes' here in Austin to schedule a podcast sound-scene tour of their facility. Should be a rather fascinating audio to create and listen to. This will be kind of memorial podcast for Sharon.

Later today, I'll call some friends.

Thanks Lauren and Justin for your telephone calls today.  Loved hearing from you.

To my dad (also Tom) ... love you too.

Tom

The Memorial Service Videos

I'm having a heck of a time getting the video player service to work properly, so for now I'm making these available as downloads. Yeah, I know they are big files - 20-30MB in size.  Quality is good, though!

The format is Quicktime so you'll need to download that player if you don't have it. I have divided up the memorial service (2 hrs) into smaller sections to make viewing (and for now, downloading) easier.

Tom

Download sharon_parish_memorial_annmcr1.mov

Download sharon_parish_memorial_tom_parishr1.mov

Download sharon_parish_memorial_justin_dillr1.mov

Download sharon_parish_memorial_paul_tischler.mov

Download sharon_parish_memorial_sue_oldham.mov

check back ... more coming ...

Tom

What Was Sharon Like at Home?

A few days ago I received this note from an Austin Waldorf School parent - Linda Cox.  I felt touched by her email because I remember so vividly the time she was over with all the other moms and Sharon was multitasking in her usual graceful loving way. Linda's words just seem to capture this whole picture so well.

Thank you, Linda
Tom
--------------------------------

Email from Linda Cox:
  We've been out of town since the week school let out, and the letter I sent you earlier was returned for lack of stamp (I was zoned out like everyone else, I imagine).  So I haven't told you yet how much I love you all and how great a gift the blog has been.  I don't know specifically what I need from the blog--it is a testament to how "ministerial" you are to even ask what WE need from the blog!  You have been on my thoughts and in my prayers for weeks, of course. 

I have a solid memory of sitting at your kitchen table with Sharon and the other One Fair Evening committee members years ago which shaped my whole impressions of the school.  I am still amazed at how Sharon could be on the phone getting multi-thousand-dollar donations one minute, then creating the entire theme and layout for the event the next, then knitting little pixie hats and serving homemade scones the next.   How could that be?  She made us into a community around her table, made mundane work fun, and never needed a break.  You had just left your big corporate job then, and she said she had some anxiety, but I never saw it--it never slowed her down.  I will always cherish that time and feel so grateful for the lessons I learned there and the even greater ones I am learning from you and Justin and Lily through your openness and ministry (I don't know what else it could be called) to the community.

Love,

Linda Cox

A Friend and a Poet - Rohn Bayes

It's Saturday and I'm reviewing in my mind the last few weeks. Seems like a year has passed.

One of the joyful moments that occured was seeing a tall lanky man standing outside the glass door of my studio last week. There was Rohn Bayes, my friend the poet, peering down at me with those big loving eyes and scruffy-beard face.

Rohn had heard about Sharon's passing (via her blog) and he wanted to come by and talk. I remember wanting to cry just seeing him there. I've only known Rohn a few years but each time I'm with him it's like being with a friend I've known for 30 years.  He's like an old Zen master who just seems to know and feel.

I want you to know about his poetry blog. He talks about his life, his experiences and top on his mind is his 87-year-old mother.  It's so touching. Last year about this time he lost his dog and that passing was traumatic for him and he expresses that difficult time in his poetry so beautifully.

Take a moment, visit with him and enjoy his quirky, loving, insightful, sensitive thoughts - 'his way'.

Tom

The Dog Peed on the Phone!

So yesterday, Friday, I was calling Lily and couldn't get her. We finally caught up with each other late afternoon. Sharon and I got Lily a cell phone (for limited use) a few months ago.  Lily said, "Well, Dad ... I picked up my phone this morning in the bedroom and it looked like Wendy (sorry, Wendy ...) peed on my phone."

Lily and Justin took it to the Cingular store to see if they could fix it. Ha ... Apparently the salespeson wasn't real happy about the smell upon opening the battery compartment and when they told him what they think happened - well, everyone got a big laugh out of it. Needless to say the phone was unrepairable.

Lily has a replacement now...

It's Saturday morning and our home is quiet - very quiet. Nothing is on but the buzz of the fridge (reminder to myself, I need to see why it's running so much). I'll bet those coils need cleaning and mostly likely it's time to toss out some things that are growing Martian mushrooms.

All our guests have gone. 

A huge rainstorm came through this morning. The 'Sharon chimes' are very quiet as the morning birds find their song after the storm.

Feels peaceful as I write this note to you from our couch. Lily is putting all the phone numbers from my phone into hers - one by one. Tinkerbell is curled up on top of the cushy chair next to the window where Lily is sprawled out, her long legs hanging over one side. She's getting so tall.

This weekend is Father's Day, isn't it!  We're sorting out what we want to do tomorrow.  We have two beautiful offers.

My hope this weekend is to start getting up the videos from the memorial service for all the folks around the world that have written wanting to see it. I've also found other videos of Sharon's life that I am looking at getting up - if you're interested.  I remembered recently that I have a number of old VHS video tapes (nearly 20 years old now) with Sharon. Might be fun to get those converted. I'll check into that.

As we sit in the stillness this morning, reading and writing, what comes to me is a sense of gratitude, love and tenderness that has come from so many people over these last four weeks. How do I express my gratitude and thanksfulness to so many wonderful people?  The healthy food that arrives every day, all the loving and generous contributions to the Sharon Parish Memorial Fund, old friends dropping by to connect, the offers to help, the patience from all the teams and clients I collaborate with to give me time to come back at my own pace ... there is more I want to express.

All the best to you for this weekend.
love
Tom and Lily

A Day of Ups and Downs

This is one of those days where every corner I turned, I felt Sharon and that often led me to a feeling of sadness, often a very deep longing for her. I would just sit quietly and wish she was back. I could hear her chimes outside as the wind moved them around. We talked.

The funeral home called and Sharon’s ashes are ready for us to place in an urn. Called Justin and let him know. But we don’t have an urn selected quite yet so we’re going to pick her up in a couple of days. She’s in good hands and I miss my babe.

The day felt at times like I was dragging myself around, which was partially due to staying up late talking last night. I did get busy working, handling calls, speaking with Lauren and Lily and Justin, and yet I felt alone. It’s weird being in a home with loving people visiting and calling and yet still feeling lonely. It’s a day of longing for Sharon and I decided I would not try to push those feelings away. I had trouble looking at pictures around the house with Sharon in them. Just seemed to amplify my sadness today.

A good friend came over to bring dinner for the family, and I totally spaced out about leaving time to speak with her. I had double-booked my afternoon. It was clear we both wanted to talk more about what happened since she is a long-time friend and only heard about Sharon’s death lately. I just didn’t have it in me. She left. I walked back inside wondering how long this day would be and if this darker vibe would continue. It has.

Lily is doing well. Took her to Yoga class with a friend tonight. I’m sitting in a coffee bar composing this note, thinking I should be in that Yoga class. I was hungry and tired and didn’t have the will to tackle something new. So instead had a yummy spinach salad at Central Market.

Spoke with my Aikido community today and said I would restart maybe on Father’s Day as a gift for myself.  I practiced for 15 years but have been absent for nearly 12 months nursing a hurt knee, then partnering with Sharon at Gold’s Gym after her hysterectomy (October). Just thinking about Aikido seemed to put some pep in my step. I miss the training and camaraderie. 

Got a call from Robbie asking if I wanted to bring Lily and come visit at WOW. Need to give that some thought.  Justin is going to be on team, I believe.

Lauren called and asked Lily to come to Galveston for a day or two. She wants Lily to be a bridesmaid for her upcoming wedding. What a joy for Lily to have big sister call with such a wonderful invitation. Might go visit Lauren and Ryan on July 1st because Lily has never been to Galveston to see the Gulf Coast. Could be our first road trip together and good time for lots of one-on-one talk.

Time to get pick up Lily now from Yoga and head home. It’s been an hour and fifteen minutes. The Borders store is very quiet tonight.

… back home now. Took a long walk as the sun was setting. Came back for a cool drink of water. I feel more relaxed and connected sitting here on the couch catching a TIVO show with Lily while she knits a scarf for a friend. Carolyn Baehr is here preparing for WOW. Ann McMaster is coming over tomorrow for dinner and then taking Carolyn back to Houston for her bus trip to Atlanta (and then up to WOW).

Tom